Category Archives: Uncategorized

I’ve Moved! New Blog: Callitopian

Thanks so much to everyone that has followed this blog! I have recently created a new blog, so I won’t be posting in this one anymore. This was my first blog, and I felt it’s a little disconnected, without much focus or drive to it. The beginning of this year, I decided the main topics that I really want to write about, and also discovered that Blogger is a better platform for me since I am not very handy with the more complex options of WordPress; I found it discouraging for me. Now, my blog is on Blogger and the name is Callitopian. ( I changed it mainly because Callitopia was already taken on instagram!)

My new blog will feature a small amount of inspirational posts or maybe even health related posts, but not many. The main topics are: beauty, fashion, and self love for young women. Here’s the link if you’d like to follow: http://www.callitopian.blogspot.com

Are you interested in these topics?

I hope to see you there!

Advertisements

New Poem: Star Makers’ Daughter

Rose Petal feet leave a trail of flowers
Head of Dreams
Crowned in peonies and butterflies

Arms like the breeze
Hips like waterfalls
Eyes like dew
Smile like rain on sunny days
She speaks,
Truth and love grace her lips

See her? Head high, walking in a straight line.

See her? Swaying, rhythm in her steps
In time with the beat of her heart


 

New Poem: Save Your Own Self

I wrote this poem when caught in a mix of negative emotions- part indifference, part sadness and pity, and part anger. What do you say when someone won’t help themselves and blames you for their plight? Save your own self…

You put yourself in a glass cage
You are strong enough to break

You cry to me to free you
I won’t

I don’t want to be cut on your glass
Those aren’t my scars to bear

Break your own glass

Chains to be Broken: Fear and Insecurity

Spiritually, there are a few different things that can hinder us in our life’s journey and relationship with God. Mainly, the different lies that we believe. These lies produce things like fear and insecurity, and they hold us captive like chains. My freedom from my personal chains came in two parts, two dreams. The first dream was liberating in a healing way. The second dream was liberating in an empowering way.

It is Biblical for God to send a message through dreams, and it is a proven and common way he speaks to me. (He uses whatever an individual is likely to respond to I believe.) Two God dreams that I have had were key in freeing me from some hurtful beliefs that I had about myself. If you struggle as I did with being overly critical with yourself or others, read the story of my two emancipation dreams. 1. Jesus: Counselor and 2. Father of Lies. I ask that you ponder in your heart what meaning these dreams could have for you and pray for Father God to purge the lies from your heart to be replaced by his healing truth.

The River Never Runs Dry

There are all kinds of fears that can torment us in this life, and no one is completely immune to them. Ironically, sharing those fears, is a real fear. As followers of Christ however, we know that fear is used to chain us, and Jesus breaks chains.

More than one once, the Lion of Judah has roared, and with the blast of his roar, my fears are blown away like dust in the wind. Fear of judgment, fear of other people’s opinions, fear of failure… In Christ, we have a hope and a peace that defies all odds. No matter the flaws within us and no matter the circumstances around us, He will bring us out of the heavy oppression of fear that is considered by many as something that comes with being human. We do not have to accept that. We have overcome by the blood of the lamb. We accept that Jesus has made natural mindsets null and void. He has set us free.

My most recent and silly fear was finding and using inspiration for my writing and particularly this blog. I have ideas and inspiration, but I hesitate to post because something may be needed later… how foolish is that? When I wondered whether to post an old story I recently edited, I thought I might need to wait because what if I don’t have anything good to share later? I could come up with something else for right now. Clear as a bell, in my spirit I received the words, “Honey, the river never runs dry.” I chuckled at the truth I could see in this and how ridiculous I was being! When God fulfills your needs, whether it is inspiration or anything else, it will never run out!

SO, without any more delay, here is my story: A Place of Hope I wrote in 2006 after the death of my grandmother. I found it in my old stuff a few days ago and was hit with new insight as to the meaning of the story, so I edited it and added that interpretation. The story is one about hope which falls in line with my post I did last week about faith hope and love.

 

These Three Things

I am obsessed with the scripture 1 corinthians 13:12 in which Paul says “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love,” so I want to write a little today about these three.

First faith, the Bible does not say it is the greatest of the three, but you will hear many Christians talking about it more than they talk about how important and powerful love is. Don’t get me wrong, all three aren’t always easy to come by or harbor within yourself, but there is a big problem if you are a Christian and don’t have the love of Christ for others. The whole gospel is founded on it. Back to the first thing though: Just because some Christians may place too much importance on it, does not mean we do not need faith! It is one of the three basic things necessary to a true Christian life!

Having true faith means getting out of your head, and convincing your heart to embrace totally ridiculous impossibilities as totally possible, AND accepting the inevitable backlash towards your “unrealistic” attitude with grace and understanding. It’s not personal. It takes a lot of inner strength to deny your rational mind and to see the impossible come to pass. There is more to it than that. Although I can’t claim to know all mysteries of the mind and heart and how they work together, or more often against each other, but I believe God has given me some insight into the matter.

Convincing your heart to believe something is not easy. One reason I think it says that the greatest of the three is love is because love is necessary for your faith to have any real power. Who has effective faith if they do not love God? Who prays for someone or something they do not love? Think about the prayers that have been answered versus those that you gave up on, not prayers that you are still waiting for. I’m talking about the ones that you were glad were never answered. If you are like me, my prayers that were most misguided were not backed by real love, either in myself or some other person involved in the prayer. If you do not know how much God loves you, or even if you do and you find it hard to believe in your heart, and you find it difficult to see yourself as loved by God, this is something that could block your healing that you pray for and so desperately need. This I learned through my own experience with praying for healing.

 

Makes Scents

There are times in life when you search for opportunity. Times when you strive for success and also times when you fail after months or years of planning and preparation. I’ve been there. Then, there are times when the most unplanned and unlikeliest of opportunities whops you over the head, and you say, “Hey! I should do this!” I don’t mean that we should chase every breeze that blows by, but when you know a good thing, you just know. It makes sense. Or, in my case it made scents!

Here’s how the provident opportunity happened- a friend of mine told me about a dream she had. She was going through her house opening drawers, cabinets and closets and finding all these candles everywhere. Where were they all coming from? What did it mean? Well, since I have interpreted dreams, she asks me and my immediate reaction was to tell her, it’s your time to shine! Finding hidden things also implies blessings in dreams. Just a few weeks later she introduced me to a direct sales company she herself had just started with. Let me say first that I have never seen myself as doing direct sales, like, ever. Being my friend, I decided almost immediately to buy a candle from her. The business was Jewelry in Candles. After I decided to order, she tells me about the special sign up discount they were doing and I could sign up for almost nothing! I had already been thinking about finding something to do from home, and I was very impressed by the scents and the novelty of the products. I signed up!

In a longer story, my friend betrayed me and has not spoken to me since, but I found a valuable opportunity through her. Around this time, I made a new friend online because of a facebook group for moms. She had asked the group if anyone could interpret dreams. I told her I could and she began to message me. It took a few times reading it, but I began to see what I thought the theme was and I told her. Luckily, I wasn’t wrong and she thanked me for it. I realized something though; her dream was not only a message for her but for me as well! I took the morals in her dream to heart. I knew I was also struggling with the same problems, being consumed by a need for perfection in all my roles as a modern woman. You must be successful in your undertakings, from home or in a workplace, you must be a good and caring wife and mother, and if you follow God, you must be a good Christian. All of these things go beyond being “good” what we really want is perfection. The smallest of doubts, the smallest step off our desired course, and BAM you feel like a complete failure- not good enough.

My point is this: it makes sense now that opportunity comes flowing freely like a rainstorm. It’s not like the wind that you chase after and no matter how hard you try, you can’t catch it- if that’s the case it’s not an opportunity for you. Real opportunity that will work for YOU, dumps on your on the head like blessings from heaven. Also, I learned that not only can we learn from our own dreams, but from the dreams of others. I believe in God. I have believed God speaks to people through their own dreams, but speaking to us through others’ dreams? Now, that is amazing.

A New Poem!

Pretty Girls

Can you tell guts from skin?

Your eyes are a deep ocean

With shipwrecks on the sea floor

Do you hear the thoughts within?

Scramble to your kitchen

Don’t forget, don’t open any doors

Standing knee deep when you can dive in

Washing dishes and living in a fiction

Watching from a two way mirror

Where is your roar little kitten?

You speak with a special diction

Your tone is bells which all adore

Where is your roar little kitten?

Is it not scripted in?

For what pet was it written?

Can you see your brain within?

You tremble in your armor, hidden

Shod head to toe in iron glamour

Oh, sweet angel, listen

Look how you’re shackled and chained

To quote the Raven: Nevermore

NO more N

My health has been a constant rain cloud looming over my head since 2012. Mild issues started in 2007, but it wasn’t until 2012 that I felt sick. The main thing was I was so tired and overwhelming sleepiness would hit me. I had a sleep study done, and in August 2012, I was diagnosed with narcolepsy.

The following year and a half of my life was a nightmare. I took medicines that seemed to help at first, to only feel worse in other ways after a while. I searched and obsessed over any and every little thing that could help me; I micromanaged each aspect of my life in order to try and keep my condition under control. A month after diagnoses, I lost my job. I decided not to get another job partly because I feared I couldn’t do it and would be embarrassed again and also because stress was one of the things that seemed to make my narcolepsy worse. Everybody knows jobs are stressful. I literally feel like a year and a half was stolen from my life. Narcolepsy took my career from me. Narcolepsy took away my confidence. Narcolepsy tainted my honeymoon and sucked the life out of my marriage. I was diagnosed only a month before our wedding. The first year of our marriage was far from what it should have been. Narcolepsy even stole time from me. I slept so much during the day that I had less than half the amount of waking hours as the average person does. Half as much time for family. Half as much time for getting things done. That drove me absolutely crazy. Then, there was my awful memory lapses and mistakes because of my mind being in a fog. Oh, and lets not forget the TERRIFYING hallucinations I had almost every night.

Around the beginning of 2013 I was finally starting to feel like I could cope with what my life had become, and that I had found sufficient ways to deal with it. I had also found a combination of medicines that actually helped some. Then, SURPRISE, I found out I was pregnant! I was totally excited, but I had to go off all medication. In combination with regular pregnancy fatigue and nausea, my narcolepsy had me bed bound/couch bound for three months. (I was able to go back on one medication after being cautious the first three months of the baby’s critical development.)

Something happened after my daughter was born though. I felt fine. I didn’t need the medicine anymore. One of the medicines that I took, Xyrem, I had to order from a private pharmacy over the phone to be delivered. It was only available this way because it’s the drug also known as GHB- a date rape drug. At first I had a hard time getting them to leave me alone because they couldn’t seem to believe I didn’t need the medicine.

I could literally hear the shock in one man’s voice when he said, “That is wonderful, but… This never happens. Usually, symptoms come back worse after weeks without this medicine.”

It wasn’t just my pharmacy that was baffled. I have been to two doctors, both neurologists, one a sleep specialist, that had never seen anything like me- they looked at the sleep study data, asked me questions, but couldn’t tell me how I could be diagnosed with narcolepsy, having sleep study results that absolutely confirmed it, and then be free of narcolepsy symptoms. Narcolepsy does not just go away. It is a life-long incurable disease.

I may still have some health problems that I don’t know the cause of and unanswered questions, but… I’m in a much better place than I was a little over a year ago. Do you know how much it sucks to not ever feel NOT sleepy? To be terrified by hallucinations almost every night. To literally have time stolen from you because half of what would normally be waking hours get taken over by sleep? I did, but not now! Why? Because God healed me. I truly believe that is the only way this happened. In my place of desperation and suffering- a real rock bottom for me, I had taken hold of my belief in God like never before. I prayed constantly. I lived my life for Him because He was the only thing I had to cling to, the only thing that kept me sane. I believe that my prayers, the prayers of others, my complete absorption of Him and wanting to live for Him enabled God to heal me… when I finally had the guts to ask him to that is, which was when I finally believed it was possible. That was just a month or so before my daughter was born! I believe God is going to continue to heal me.

So, there you have it. A miracle 🙂

Now I have more fodder for my memoir that isn’t just a memoir because it starts with my family legacy, which is full of miracles.

 

Two Irons in the Fire

Somehow I’ve found myself writing two books at once. Because they’re both my first attempts at writing a book, it feels a little crazy, and well, I wondered if I maybe that means I’m crazy. I did a little search, and found a great online article on the topic. BTW my two books are verrry different. One is fiction. The other is nonfiction. 

How To Work On More Than One Book At A Time